Fidelus
by Mayqueen
Summary: well this is my first ever. it is a little painful and I leave it to your imagination who i'm talking about. if u understand the title you may know what the story is about.
1. Default Chapter

FIDELUS  
  
It's been so long my friend that I'm afraid that I won't know you when I see you. The last time we met and laughed together was when we were both young, both idealistic and both pure. It's easy to be joyous when your life is unsullied, unblemished and untarnished. I know how time has changed me, I wonder how it's changed you, for change you it will. A very exacting surgeon is time, cutting away relentlessly at every dream, every vision that you are fortunate enough to be born with.  
  
I remember you with deep affection and deeper respect my friend. We have been through some times together and you were always the strong one. You were always the one with a strategy, with a plan to fall back on. You were always the focused one. Every dream we ever saw together, you were the one who set out to accomplish it. It was never easy for me to take the backseat, but I did it gladly for I believed in the genuine affection that you professed to have for me.  
  
I wonder if you are plagued with similar thoughts as the time to meet me again comes closer or whether you are too strong even to succumb to doubts. It is always uneasy to meet after many years have passed. So much to tell and so little to say. Yet I look forward to seeing you. I look forward to seeing the lines in your face, the gray in your hair, the slack in your body. I look forward to humanizing you, I look forward to bringing you down from the pedestal I've put you on.   
  
I have to stop myself from looking at my watch repeatedly. An oddly fidgety habit that you used to laughingly mock me about. Your censure used to mean so much to me. Even if it was merely childish torment, my oversensitive antennae used to prick up defensively. But you never realized that, did you? You were much too involved in your own rapidly evolving life.  
  
You'll never know that these provoking ideas have passed through my conscious sphere of thought. I have lived innumerable years trying to suppress them. All those years that I spend trying to grow out of your shadow, but never quite succeeding.   
  
You will never realize how nervous I am today, after so long. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I never will. You always avoided deliberate delving into your heart. Were you scared to search your soul? But of course you would never tell me. You are too keen on appearing wholesome, uncomplicated to the world, to me. A tower of strength.  
  
What did you do with your life, my friend? Did you spend it like I did, trying to live up to an unrecognized ideal? Or did you spend it running away from all confrontations? There are so many questions I need you to answer, my friend, and so many answers I'm afraid you will not be able to give. I am afraid my friend you will not be able to live up to the high standards I have set for you, and I am even more afraid that I will not be able to lower them   
  
Do you now concede that change is something to be wary of, not merely a parameter of progress. Oh, my friend why couldn't you have stayed by me. The simple life is not to be scorned. At least it ensures three meals a day and a moderately lengthy life.   
  
I believed in you my friend and I still do. It is because I believed in you that I let you go, and it is because I still do that I'm waiting here on this freezing day in December awaiting your return. Infallibility is something I've been warned about. But oh my friend I have cherished you so dear and so long.  
  
The wait seems interminable. I wile my minutes away wondering what your first expression will be when you alight. Will it be joy, I dare to tell myself or perhaps bewilderment. Even fear perhaps though it is difficult to believe. But I don't know you any more, do I? I'm merely trying to predict how you would have reacted.  
  
Have you ever been afraid my friend? Not the fear which comes from a tangible danger but a bitter terror which consumes you, which gnaws at your very innards inexplicably and unaccountably. It is devouring me, my friend. I dare not flee from it, for the fear that it may hurt me infinitely more if I do. At last I have been forced to do what you have always done my friend. I have been forced to tackle my problems myself.  
  
Chronologically we are so far and yet so close to death. Sometimes I'm scared to peer over my shoulder for the fear that it may be leering back at me. Are you scared of death my friend? You didn't used to be. I'm hoping you aren't. I would hate to ever see you suffer.  
  
I'm here to show you how much I love you. I'm here to show that time has not changed my fondness towards you. I don't want you to leave like you did last time, unsure of whether I wanted to see you again. I want you to know that I'm unchanging in this respect.  
  
  
Oh my friend, your train is coming in. Forgive me, my friend as the men in their black cloaks move forward to apprehend you. All I can say is that I am sorry. It's been so long and they were so exacting. I'm sorry if I betrayed your trust in me. All this that I have thought as I have waited to see you for the last time, I wish that I could say to you.  
  
You will never know what drove me to do what I did. You will never know how much I had to suffer. I will be there to see you hang and I know that behind the mask of black your eyes will be seeking me out, unforgiving. I cannot ask for forgiveness, I dare not beg your pardon.  
  
When you die remember me as a person who loved you truly. Remember me as a person who never wished you harm. Would you blame me for the miscalculation of the fates? I shall stand here in my sheltered dell as the wind keens its requiem for you. I shall weep, since they are tears you shall never see.  
  
I want you to know somehow before you die that I never meant you ill. I need to know that you still needed me. You came when I called. Did you come to answer or did you come to reprimand. There are so many things I need you to tell me, my friend. So many things I have to confirm.  
  
Your train draws ever closer, friend. My head is bowed in a shame I should not feel for they tell me that it was a good thing I have done. Judas did it, Brutus did it. Were they evil men? Don't condemn me, as I know you will. Understand me, as I know you won't.  
  
I see you now. You haven't changed as much as I expected. The city air has done you good. The wrinkles are subdued, the gray hair colored, the body toned. You are in your prime after all. That makes it so much more heinous, though I don't know why. I see the anguish in your face, though I'm too far to see. I feel it course through my veins. Forgive me my friend, for I knew not what I did.  
  
  
thats that guys. flame if you like  
but R and R  
i'll have more up soon 


	2. This too shall pass

THIS TOO SHALL PASS  
  
Far away a star twinkled, bathing the sweetness of the autumn night in the light of its single ray. A beacon is kindest when the night is the most dark. That is what I come to you as, Love. That is what I would be to you, if you would let me. The night is at its deepest raven now, and you are alone. As am I! It will be morning, morning will come. But by the time night departs, so may we.   
  
Once I asked you if you loved me. Your answer was, that you did not know. Now I ask you, will you be loved by me? Now love is all we have. Love and faith! If the enemy comes, let him come. We will not go into the night afraid. Not as long as we have each other. Not as long as we can pray.  
  
I wonder what it is like to live in times of peace, in times of harmony. Sometimes I lie in bed and listen to myself breathe and think to myself that this is death, and then I think of you, and remember that this is life. I have been fighting all my life. Fighting for my memories, fighting for my duties, fighting for my friends. Tell me, what is it to live without struggle.  
  
I see myself fifty years from now - an old, withered man. I see myself as a man without a dream. That frightens me, love. Because it is a vision of what is good and what is right that has kept me alive so long. If I stopped believing I would die. Or worse still I would live, but without a soul.  
  
Once, I remember you asking me, what I believed a dementors kiss felt like. I remember too, telling you that I did not know. I was young then and less imaginative. Now I believe I know. It would be like having all you hold dear taken away in front of your eyes, and you must be mum as you watch it happening. The soul would leave you then, the heart would leave you.  
  
Don't leave me just yet. There is so much I need to say to you tonight. So many things I must confide in you about. Who knows whether we shall see tomorrow? Are you scared? Are you angry? I used to be both. Now I am just ... resigned. When he will come, he will come and no amount of preparation or worrying is going to make any difference. If I must, I will fight. If I must, I will die.  
  
Tonight the night sky is like it has always been. How dare it, you will say? Oh Love, you have always been the fighter, the one who tries to change what will never change. Today we are here, yesterday we were not, and tomorrow we may not be. But some things are constant. If they were not, how could we survive? We pin our hopes on that which never moves. That which does may betray us.   
  
Betrayal - I have grown up with betrayal. My father was betrayed by his friend, I was betrayed by mine. I have trusted you for I know in my heart that you will not betray me. But even if you do, I will love you, for love has no limitations or conditions. Job's words in the midst of his sorrow "Though thou slay me, yet will I love thee."  
  
No, Love, I do want to run. Run away from this world, which has been very harsh to me. There is a universe out there for me to explore. A universe which may have love and faith and truth. All those things that I have never seen before! But don't you see, that is something I can't do, if only because there are still people lighting lamps for me. Wherever I go, I will always be the boy who lived and there will be hymns sung for me and prayers breathed for me.  
  
Today we must part. Today there is very little that we can do for each other. But this I must say to you, you have always been there. To help me escape from Azkaban, to help me rebuild my life, to give me a new dream. It's always been you Love. Do you doubt me?   
  
Before he died, my mentor told me that there was fear in me, fear and bitterness. The same qualities that had driven that blackest of men to do his dastardly deeds. If it weren't for you and for those other people who believed in me, I would have turned away. I don't know if I should thank you, or curse you. You made me choose between what was right and what was easy. Why is what is good always more difficult? I am weak now. So weak!   
  
If we survive tomorrow and the day after that and then a few days more, will you give me one more hope? The hope that when all this is over, you will still be here waiting for me. Perhaps I ask for too much. Perhaps I want too much. But can you blame me? Can you really blame me?  
  
It is time. I think I hear the armies, the squadrons of darkness, as they sweep down on us in their morbid magnificence. Their steeds emit fire, their eyes amusement. How can they laugh as they brutally butcher men, women, children? Are they not human? In the need to become supermen, have they become subhuman? This is the difference betweens them and us, Love. We can never kill callously, however much we may want to, or need to.  
  
Leave now my love. You have made a bitter life less bitter, a tragic life less tragic. Be proud of that. Most lives boast of less. I cannot ask you to stay now. I have known from the beginning that this is my battle. I have always known that when the time comes I must fight alone. But I am resigned now. If I die, I will die a martyr, if I live, I live a hero. I go to do a far, far better thing, then I have ever done.  
  
Let me fight alone now, as it is my destiny. But remember, remember if anything should happen to me, do not grieve or weep, for Love, nothing lives for ever and nothing lasts for long. That too shall pass.   
  



End file.
